2011: Shape Up, Boys

I’m not really a fan of resolutions. I figure if something needs to be changed for the better it should be changed for the better as soon as said need is realized. New Year’s Day is for nursing hangovers and watching football, or, as is the case in our house, trips to IKEA and an afternoon of little wrenches and big curse words.

There’s a resolution I could get behind—don’t buy furniture that needs assembling. Also, get new curse words. However, I’m sticking to my guns (they’re NERF): No new resolutions.

For me.

We live in a democracy, and as such my kids aren’t old enough to vote so I made some resolutions for them. What can I say, I’m a giver.

In no specific order I give you the 2011 Honea Boys’ Resolutions:

1. A body at rest shall stay at rest. If I am sleeping late (or napping) please allow me to do so. Should the house be on fire, or some other life-threatening emergency is present, then it is acceptable to wake me, but, and I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT JUMP ON ME.

2. There are kids starving and you may be one of them. If you spend the entire 30 minutes that I am preparing your meal by trying to win an Oscar for Hungriest Child that Ever Lived in a Drama (sometimes Comedy), then you better eat what I make for you.

Please do not eat two bites and say you are full.

Please do not wait until bedtime and say you are hungry. Again.

Note, I am saying please because strangers are reading this.

3. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. I’ll try to make this as clear as possible: The pee goes INSIDE the toilet. For the sake of this ruling, the toilet seat is considered out of bounds. Also, extra points for flushing.

4. A penny earned is a penny that you’ll actually get. You have a list of chores. A very easy list of chores. If you have designs on receiving your allowance you should consider making an attempt to complete said chores. Seriously, not to brag, but I could do your collective chores in roughly five minutes.

I would say that I could do them with one hand tied behind my back, but it’s hard to open the door while carrying the dog’s dish. I’ll give you that one. Remember, the dog is actually hungry and doesn’t care for award shows. He’s an artist, not a competitor.

5. Laughter is the best medicine since the FDA says I can’t give you anything else. Here’s the thing, laughing is not only fun, it’s good for you. It’s like vegetables. But fun. There is no way that you can ever comprehend how awesome things are for you right now. That’s knowledge that comes at a price, and I’m in no hurry for you to pay up (especially since you don’t have any money, see No. 4). If you only keep one resolution, this is the one. Wake up laughing, laugh all day, and go to bed with a sore smile. Enjoy life and the company of those around you.

Keep in mind, if I get a call from the school about you laughing in class I will deny having any part in your actions.

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